I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm experimenting with sincerity
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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