This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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