some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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