When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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