I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
