Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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