from now on my penis is your penis
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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