He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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