What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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