i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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