god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
