Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
