He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
