Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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