Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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