the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
