Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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