New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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