my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
