Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
