Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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