Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
