Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
