This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
