ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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