The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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