hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
