At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
