I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
