shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
