i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
