Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
