Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
