i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
