Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
