Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
