Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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