Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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