I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
