Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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