Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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