i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
