my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had to cum in my sink.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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