i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
