pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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