Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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