Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
