I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
