I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
