i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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