dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
