I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
