Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
